I may not know my final destination, but I am far from lost... ~shannon Hervey~
This blog is dedicated to life's experiences (good and bad) and all things progressive that serve to propel us from the ordinary to the extraordinary.
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He just went silent on me – what should I do?
The question in itself implies that something can be done or that some action is now required on the part of the female in response to a male’s actions.
If you suddenly feel that your man has withdrawn in mind, body, and soul from the relationship (or your perceived connection), and has limited your access to all that is him, I encourage you to employ the SOLID method.
S – State, openly, your concerns, feelings, love, admiration, and relationship goals to your man.
O – Open the door for honest dialogue. Create a safe space for understanding and conversation free from judgment.
L – Listen carefully, with intent, and without interruption for the messages you hear, and those that you don’t hear. Pay attention to what your man is telling you, and believe him the first time.
I – Inquire about the present and future status of the relationship. Your ability to make a decision that serves in your own best interest may hinge on your understanding of the status of your relationship. Do not allow a question mark to remain where a period should be.
D – Determine your next steps. While your man has choices to make, it is important to remember that you also have choices to make. Independent of the relationship outcome, allow all of your emotions (anger, rage, sadness, joy) to fuel your sense of self love and your ability to plan for what is to come, whatever it may be.
If you explore the meaning of the word ‘solid’, you will see that it can be interpreted several ways including
1.firm and stable in shape; 2. incapable of being changed from its level of greatness; 3. able to retain shape and density when not confined . We are not defined by the status of our relationships; always remember that you are strong, whole, solid, and most of all, capable.
If your relationship remains intact, use this occurrence as one that closes the gap, bridges communication, and ultimately brings you and your man closer together as a loving couple.
If your relationship does not survive this hurdle, then savor the memories made and the love experienced. Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” In every major decision that you approach, it is my belief that you should live your life free of regret and use every experience (good and bad) as one that quickens your growth and prepares you for the life that you are being groomed for.
In my book, 101 Ways to be Happy Whether you Like it or Not!, I encourage individuals to identify and rid themselves of stagnant and non-productive dating relationships.
Aim for that which makes you happy, brings you joy, and contributes to your smile. Hiding your head in the sand, pretending that all is well, ignoring warning signs, and holding on to your idea of an ideal relationship as if it is reality, is not going to bring you closer to where you want to be in life. Never be afraid to face your reality, stare it down, and claim victory over life’s hurdles. He just went silent on me – what should I do? Simply, thrive.
lie dictionary defines intellect as:
Are you an intellect or an imposter? Do you possess intellect? If so, what qualifies you to proclaim such? Is it the way that you procrastinate through those tasks that may propel you from your ordinary self to the extraordinary being that you were created to be? Is it the way that you make grand excuses instead of contributing to that which could be grand? Is it the way that you require others to buy in to your mediocrity and savor the bullsh*t that you attempt to serve on a platter? I implore you to not waste my precious time with the illogical nonsense that you have accepted as fact. Refrain from capitalizing on this camouflaging of the truth any further; just get it over and accept that you don’t possess the staying power that it takes to become great. You are lazy. You love the feeling of a good night’s sleep more than you love the feeling of accomplishment. You are selfish. You lack goals and the ability to push yourself into anything other than your favorite pair of dress slacks that have become too tight. With the mainstream media or hip hop’s spotlight being shined on the terms “BOSS” and “BOSS CHICK” you aspire to become that which you perceive as having control over others, authority, and the ultimate decision-maker. Yet, you have not mastered control over that which is yours to control, your own life. You can’t be a BOSS at work and secretly a servant to self; it just doesn’t happen that way people. Seek that which is in your control first. Mastering your own life will enable you to be entrusted and empower you to master other more complex obstacles.
Let me clue you into something that I know for a fact: The success that you crave and witness in others doesn’t happen overnight. It is the result of years of tears, pain, perseverance, re-tweaking, prayer, and desire; you can’t buy success and it will NEVER be handed to you. Even those that seem to jog gracefully through life and are, seemingly, handed their success only remain at the top for so long before those around and above them identify them as IMPOSTER and reduce them back to the starting point because the work ethic and the quality of the product delivered (whatever it may be) is less than acceptable. It is easier to be an imposter than it is to be an intellect. Truth be told it is easier to lie to yourself about yourself than it is to swallow the ice-cold water in the face reality that you purchased a one-way ticket to Loserville and the box office is closed at the present moment.
How badly do you want it? What are you willing to sacrifice to get it? Success, that is! How hard are you really willing to work to change those bad habits, maladaptive thoughts, negative peer influences, and the mode of thinking that governs your actions? My brother, my sister, let’s make a plan to free you from the prison that you have created for yourself; I can’t promise you that the quest to change will be easy, but I can promise you that no effort will result in no change.
Your reality tells your present story, but you can define a new reality that will guide your future story. Therefore, when you see me in public and you decide to strike up a conversation in which you are blaming life and others for your present and pathetic self, be sure that you are prepared for my response. Instead of the sympathetic ear that I have been trained to hold and the rote empathetic words that may normally follow, don’t be surprised if I opt to give you a dose of what may one day make you stronger. The truth. If you think your life is difficult now, just wait and observe how 10-20 more years of doing absolutely nothing will improve your situation. Riddle me this, can you afford how much worse life can become? No, then what are you waiting on.
Are you an intellect or an imposter? The choice is yours to make.
5:45 a.m. and the alarm clock blares. Eyes wide shut I tap the snooze. I just need 15 more minutes; I’m exhausted!! I feel tension behind the eyes and slight pressure in my temple. I can’t tell if lack of sleep or worry is the culprit. 6:00 a.m.----there it goes again. I still can’t get out of bed. I begin to estimate my time schedule. What is the least amount of time that I need to get dressed? Hmmm. How long will it take to shower? Do my hair? Get dressed? School is back in session in some counties, so traffic may be heavier than usual. I think I can be ready in 45 minutes; I must be in the car by 7 to make it to work on time. Snooze once more only, and then I HAVE to get up. I blink and 6:15 rolls around. ‘O.K., I’m up! I’m up! Sigh, I’m exhausted. What will this day bring, and how can I face it?
7:15 panic sets in because I am late to begin my commute. Dang! Why did I hit the snooze a second time? Thank goodness the traffic angels are on my side. 8:30? YES! I made it to work on time!! WHOOP-WHOOP!! My mom was a stickler for being on time, and inherently, that is a trait….habit…no trait? I don’t know, but she passed it along to me whatever it is. I’m exhausted. I close my office door and gaze out of my window. The sun reflects brightly on the leaves of the tree outside of my window as they gently sway with deliberate purpose. A brief moment to meditate is all that I need; A private moment to pray for strength to endure all those obstacles and negative individuals that may be thrown my way today; A still moment to ask for guidance and grace as I approach the day; A quiet moment to ask for deliverance.
My cell phone buzzes, and it is my crazy sister. I answer and hear her loud, “What’s Up???!!!” Her voice, her enthusiasm, and her spirit are contagious and I find myself, in that moment rejuvenated. I LOVE this chick. She does it for me every time, and I remind myself of the scripture, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
Man, do I love my sister! Unequivocally and undeniably, I love my sister! After a brief conversation we say goodbyes, and I am immediately thankful that God saw me worthy enough to be given a sibling as wonderful as she is and has always been to me. Boyyyyy, the stories I could tell you about the adventures of Veronica and Shannon :-) I find myself saying aloud, “Thank You!” for my sister. Then, I realize I have so much more to be thankful for. Thank you for my husband who loves me despite my faults. Thank you for my children who bring me joy. Thank you for my father who is always the voice of reason and hope when I despair. I opened up the gratitude flood gates, and the Thank You-s continued. Thank you for allowing my mother to live for 28 years of my life and teach me how to be a faithful and God-fearing woman. Thank you for my health. Thank you for employment, opportunity, education, insight, vision, and favor.
No longer exhausted, I have a smile on my face and a song in my heart. I am renewed; it is Thanksgiving in August. You see, the realization struck me that although they may seem hefty, the obstacles against me are a short order for the blessings he has bestowed upon me and will continue to bestow upon me. I am not broken. I am whole, and everything I need was granted me at birth. Adversity is a part of life and no one said life would be easy. After all, remember that a rainbow doesn’t appear until after the storm, intense pressure is required to make a diamond, and the most beautiful butterfly flourished from what were once unpleasant beginnings.
When times are difficult and you seem to be at your lowest, recall my story, declare your own story, and give God thanks!
As an adult I learned to welcome challenges, especially fitness challenges; this was quite different than when I was in high school. I hated (STRIKE THAT), I abhorred gym class and everything about it. Always the tallest girl in the class and always the biggest girl in the class, I could never understand why gym was a school requirement. AND, if it had to be a requirement then why did I have to wear shorts that were obviously designed for someone that was 5 ft tall and 100 lbs with their sneakers on. During one hot Shreveport day I remember that we were forced to run drills. I didn't make it halfway through the drills when I started to see stars and shades of gray (No, not E.L. James). I sat down quickly before I fell down, and I could feel the life draining out of my face. I was hot and cold at the same time and the thought dawned on me that I may actually pass out in front of my peers while sitting on the hot concrete wearing these too little shorts. I was sweating shotgun bullets and could hear my heart beating and feel my right eye pulsating. As the other kids gawked at my out-of-shape behind grasping for air the only thing I could think was, "I hate gym". I survived that day, endured for those 4 years, and was delighted when I finally graduated.
I managed to avoid Health & Conditioning (a fancy university title for Gym) until my Junior year in college. My school advisor warned me that it was 'Now or Never'; if I wanted to graduate on time I had to take "Gym" the summer before my Senior year. Cardio, weight training, and more cardio, but I survived. The instructor coached me on how to run and slowly build stamina. I never accomplished that 12-minute mile goal that she set, but a 16-minute mile without passing out wasn't so bad right? More than anything, that summer taught me that I could do more if I just pushed myself. Throughout my Senior year I ran and walked inside of the in-door running track and for the first time I realized that I felt GREAT after running; I was energized.
Into adulthood I began to push myself beyond previously set limits. For more than 15 years beyond college I would sign up and complete numerous 5Ks and fun races; however, it wasn't until last year that I aspired to move beyond my comfort level of 3.1 miles. Within this last year I participated in the Hot Chocolate 5K, Dirty Girl 5K Mud Run, and then my birthday rolled around. A girl can only turn 29 for so many years before even she stops believing the farce. Conscious of my age, I grew more interested in health, fitness, and wellness so it was only fitting that I would contemplate pushing myself more. I had my eyes set on the 2015 Peachtree Road Race 10K. After all, I have seen it on TV every 4th of July and it looked like so much fun. Surely I could do it??? Flashbacks to the high school semi-pass out moment plagued my mind, but this time would be different. I was convinced I could do it! I signed up and was chosen in the lottery; so now what? How would I prepare? I found a couch potato to 10K online running program and it guided me for 3 solid months. My heart, mental capacity, endurance, and sheer will grew stronger and stronger each time I hit the track. All that training and all that sweating was worth it when on July 4. 2015 not only did I run my first ever Peachtree Road Race, but I ran the Hell out of it! Torrential pouring rain, 68 degrees, and prohibited ear buds in tow, nothing stopped me until I crossed the finish line. 1:33:12, no injuries, and I felt great. Far from the fat kid that almost passed out in high school, I now realized that I was a Conqueror and victory was mine!
As a child my mom would tell me, "Can't isn't in the dictionary!" My mom was a wise woman and her words became my truth. So you, yes YOU! Realize that whatever you are facing and whatever your aspirations, just know that you are worthy! You are capable! Can't isn't in the dictionary, so leave it out of your vocabulary. There is no goal too big that you can't accomplish if you plan, train, and keep your feet to the grind until you cross that finish line. You may ask what is next for me? Future Peachtree Road Races are a given, and although the Atlanta 10 miler is in 3 months I know that I am not ready for it, YET, but I'll definitely be there in 2016. But enough about me, what's next for you?
Shannon Hervey, The Author
What can I say? I am a Christian, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Soror. The bonds we form and the relationships we nurture are the quintessential necessities of life; therefore I believe we should Live, Laugh, and Love often because Life is short and it doesn't come with a Redo button.